Expectations

Mango coat
Wilfred dress (similar)
Dune London heels (similar)
Friday by JW Pei handbag (similar)
Zara sunglasses (similar)
Linjer rings (c/o) (similar)
Maris Pearl Co. earrings (c/o) (similar)
Location: The Ambassador Apartments – Winnipeg, Manitoba

In the past two weeks, I’ve taken time to pause and assess the expectations I set for myself. It was an exercise I always knew I’d need to do “some day,” but in our fast-paced former life, some day just never came. And I was fine with that.

My expectations are high in every area of my life. I learned recently that my colleagues affectionately call me the drill sargeant, because I set such specific expectations for the team of people working for me. I’m not unreasonable – if anything, my team achieves more because I’m clear about what I want, I give them what they need to get there, and they know I trust them fully to do it.

And that’s the difference. At work, while my expectations are high, they aren’t unreasonable. The expectations I set for myself are another matter.

For a long time now, I’ve been asking too much of myself. Work an extremely demanding job managing a team of more than ten people and at least one multi-million dollar client – and don’t just work it, be exceptional. Set the bar for everyone else around you. But still find time to work out morning, noon and night five days a week. Oh, and maintain a healthy vegetarian diet of virtually all home cooked meals while you’re at it. Not that you’ll really have time for cooking because you need to keep writing a semi-successful blog and running its Instagram account. Outfit photos! While you’re at it, you’re going to write a book – actually, three, one after the other. And still make time for other creative hobbies, like photography and painting. But don’t forget your friends and family! You have to find time to see and talk to them, too.

…up until March of this, I did all that while also traveling almost every second week. I’ve written some slightly tongue in cheek posts about a day in my life in the past, but there was nothing in them that wasn’t true. When we all abruptly stopped travelling earlier this year, the reality of how tired I was ALL. THE. TIME. sank in. I hadn’t felt so rested in years as I did when I had no choice but to stay locked in my apartment aside from trips to the grocery store.

But up to this point, I haven’t truly reevaluated. I’ve just waited and hoped for a return to normalcy. Based on the most recent epidemiological modelling done in Canada, it looks like a return to normal isn’t something we can reasonably expect until 2022. In the meantime, I have two options: to continue running myself into the ground chasing wildly unrealistic expectations set by no one but myself, or slow down while I have the perfect opportunity to do it.

So here I am, trying to slow down. The changes I’ve made so far are small ones – a long walk after work instead of a third full on, sweating-and-panting workout after work. Two blog posts a week instead of three. A modified meal plan that gives me more time at my desk during the work day, since I so desperately need it. More naps – especially on days off. (After all, why is it so important to stay awake when there is nowhere to go and nothing specific to do?) It’s far from perfect. I’m still exhausted at the end of most work days, but I’m acknowledging that now, rather than just forcing myself to push through. The goal is progress, not perfection. And for me, this is what progress looks like.

I’ll always have high expectations – especially for myself. I think that’s normal. And even if it isn’t, it’s normal for me. It’s also very normal for me to get into a routine and just keep it going, even if that routine is slightly self-destructive. The pandemic is a lot of things I don’t love, but I can appreciate the opportunity it offers us all to reevaluate how we live our lives and what we prioritise. So, for lack of anything else besides books to fill my hours at home, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Do you set high expectations for yourself? And if so, how have they changed this year? I’d love to know.

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