Sezane cardigan
Sezane dress
Linjer rings (c/o) (similar)
Mejuri earrings (similar)
Location: Osborne Village – Winnipeg, Manitoba
That’s what I used to be. Unstoppable. There was no amount of fatigue or time constraints or anything else that could hold me back. My determination to squeeze every bit of excitement and joy and wonder out of life, whatever it took, never wavered. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” That was a phrase I used often, and with sincerity. There was just so much I wanted to do. Every second counted. I made sure of that.
But two years into a pandemic, and now a week into another major international conflict, I feel anything but unstoppable. I’ve used up all my reserves of motivation. I start most days off reasonably well, but by 11 am, I’m watching the clock, wondering why time is passing so slowly. I know what I need to do to get my work done, but the desire to tick everything off my to-do list isn’t there in the way it used to be. No one needed to stop me. I’m stopping myself.
It’s not that I’m tired – at least, not physically. I’m still active and full of energy. But my options for how to expend that energy still feel so few. So dull. So much the same as they have for most of the past two years, and I’ve grown to loathe spinning my wheels, repeating the same actions over and over again without moving forward. It feels futile, and I have limited interest in pursuring an exercise in futility.
So it turns out I’m not unstoppable. But I never would have guessed, even a year ago, that what would stop me wouldn’t be an obstacle but a gradual grinding down of my willingness to keep tilting at the same windmill day after day.
Life is comparatively pretty boring these days, but it still comes up with ways to surprise us all, I think.
We’re going to Italy in forty-three days, because the one thing I’m still motivated to do is get out and see the world. That trip cannot come soon enough. I’m desperate for a change of scenery. And hopeful that a little variety in my life will inject me with enough motivation to get back up to my usual, ready-to-conquer-the-world speed again. Breaks are great, when you need them, and if any of you reading this right now do need one, I strongly encourage you to take it. Breaks because you just can’t force yourself to keep going are a lot less helpful.
I miss feeling unstoppable. I want to fall asleep because I’m exhausted, not head for bed just because I can’t think of anything better to do. But that’s where I’m at right now, and if you’re feeling the same, know you’re not alone. And more importantly, that you can, and will, get through this. But it’s okay to ask for help if you need it, too. Hang in there, my darlings.
